A CRUMB-Y DAY!

I received the following long over due text today from fav gal pal KB-

Kels: Sweets! I want a cupcake! Where is Magnolias?

My furious quick retort: AHHHHH I HATE YOU! WTF! SO JEALOUS/NOT FAIR! 401 Bleeker Street in Soho at the very top past Juicy, or Columbus Ave. 2 blocks north of the Lincoln Center/temple past Betsey J.

Kels: I knew you would know! Subway?

Gritted teeth reply: the red line 1, 2, 3. uptown @ Lincoln Center 66 st or downtown @ Christopher St.

Kels: $?

Envious response: 4 for $10

Kels: which flavor?

Frustrated reaction: you are KILLING me smalls! choco b-milk, vanil, red vel, & dev food!

Kels: thanks babe

Frustrated reaction x 2: I HOPE YOU GET FAT HO BAG!

I HEART and dearly miss my East Coast bestie Kelsey, especially our adventures in the city (a plethora of stories to tell later)!

This textual converstation today flooded my tastebuds with cupcake memories of New York City. A recent connoisseur to cupcakes, I have ascertained my choice of the legions of cupcake shops to be CRUMBS. It is absolutely my fantastic favorite! Any of the jumbo creations is sufficently delectable! The cupcake conversation also sparked my long awaited keen knowledge of the city and how I will never forget the day Kels and I had our first mapless NYC discussion. It consisted of which subway and the fastest route to travel on from the West Village vintage shops up to the ballet at the Met. There were words like: red, green, orange, line, Queens, avenue, express, downtown, local, metro, numbers 1-6, circle, 14th, 72nd, lincoln, columbus, street, green, broome, and upper. All voiced in a minute flat, this will go down as the day we were finally cultured and no longer tourists of New York City.

I SPY...

A WATER SPOUT!!

It was amazing, freaky, awesome, and scary! I beheld this wonder today in the sky as I observed all the tourists whipping out their Nikons. I was excited and awe struck before I learned it was basically a tornado in the water that could hit land anytime....and then I bolted back inside!

A POPPY!

Ohmy! I'm so ridiculously thrilled I have divulged the name of my unborn far far far away 10 billion years from now to come future adopted non-black jewish daughter! I love Poppy! It's perfect, still love it, want it, and going to have it! Don't try to talk me out of it Dezi/Desi. All in regards to my obsession Gossip Girls, love it, watch it! XOXO -B

HATER!

A few conditions I have found to be completely aggrevating to me in the good ole' Keys....

-Lizards...wtf! To me these reptilian creatures are shrunken dinosaurs...and I'm deathly freakishly scared of dinosaurs! Each day as I stroll to work I encounter these disgustly beasts darting to and fro across the sidewalk. They also tend to hide in the bushes near the beach chairs at the pool, causing an uncertain amount of anxiety as I keep my tan!

-Various odors. Everything from the putrid washed up sea articles to the daily stench of beer on Duval street, to the periodic unwavering apartment of rank. Also giving us a run for the money, Tila's forgotten anti-persperiant fragrance and her marijuana scented "incense"! We'll blossip about her later (blog+gossip=blossip).

So pretty much it's legit, I'm a hater, more so of humidity than any other thing in my life! Oh and hoodrats, she absolutely repluses me! These two aspects I severely detest and will not succomb to living by way of the East Coast. Humidity is humiliating! On my daily inquiry about the weather in the Keys I noted the humidity to be 95%! As Kylee would proclaim..."I WANT TO DIE!" This also confirmed and defended the sight of my hair today! Humidity also wreaks havoc upon my skin. Not only did I inherit my mothers rock hard nails but also her oily t-zone skin! Thus I am always SHINY. Which causes unsolicited remarks by co-workers that upon any high humidity days I look like I'm glowing and in love. Not so, though some would speculate and suggest other wise as I was counselled by DC to look at the "BIG" picture...whatever we only have 4x6 glossy's to look at! Haha big picture this!

This is what humidity does to Key West Bre hair!

This is what humidity does to Key West donuts!

This is what humidity does to Key West pickles!

I'm very certain Hollie dropped the slippery jar because of all the moisture in the air.

*Please note the unsanitary conditions of our working environment...fridge via the toilet! *Also note neither of us bother to wear make up anymore to work!

CONFESSIONS OF A SHOP-A-HOLIC

I heart the Coach ponytail scarves, they are perfect headbands! I'm getting island fever and a craving for shopping is abound and a necessity. My shopping perameters include a five mile by 2 mile radius, not much to work with but I've been able to manage slash cope with the limitations. On my birthday last month I ventured out and was able to find a pair of $3 brown stillettos, $1.50 pink and yellow cushioned flip flops, and a $2.50 pink bedazzled cowboy beach hat!

Recently, I satisfied my appetite by purchasing a Lily Pulitzer beach cover up. I am thrilled to finally be able to wear and acquire some bright Palm beach items via Lily. Today I was satiated by my newly purchased 'purple is the it color for fall' Coach headband.

My day off was left for binging on Juicy at none other than Ross! Yes, I did go back after our little mishap last week. Here I found the greatest shopping deal of my life!! Juicy jackets for a freaking $16.99!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unheard of, unfound, unbelieveable!!!!!!!! I didn't even have to text my shopping guru Naco for permission to purchase all four! Twin-er Shann will be proud I lastly succombed to her grandpa cardigan sweater notion with a fabulous $5 purple knit. The final Ross acquistion of the day will be quite the creation. I plan to transform a womens XL floral print skirt into a dress for a mere $2.99! I think my relationship with Ross will make a full recovery and bloom into something grand.

One might infer this spree would stabilize me into a euphoric fix, atleast until the next paycheck. Alas not, I'm a label whore addict! All thanks in part to my inability to cope with assorted variants in my enamoured connections. So when these occurrances are prominent, whether favorable or deplorable, I swipe the Visa. Most noteably this past year when label whore met the "it bag" of NYC, have I done my part in stabilizing the economy. Definately to the advantage of a certain DC broker boys job! So with all that baggage in mind as I set foot into finalizing this manic coping spree, Natalie from Express, didn't stand a chance keeping up with me in the dressing room. Though her endevours were rewarded as she got a big chunk of commission from my cash or credit signature. I obtain as if with the intentions of returning the articles one day. Being that I wear shorts and tanks daily, not so much silk dresses, sequined shirts/vests, nor chiffon muu muu's. But I'm coping....one store (and guy) at a time!

YOU ARE OFFICALLY CLAWED!

PAST GUEST LIST

WHO? All Charlie Cougar boys K-6

WHAT? Clawing of the arms or hand mostly

WHERE? Castle Dale Elementary

WHEN? Recess on the playground slash big toy!

WHY? Because I liked you or hated you. Or a certain "carrot head" called me "brownie" all the time. Or if you dare call me "claws"!

PRESENT GUEST

WHO did it? Moi! Thanks to my mothers perfect rock hard genetic nail make up. Seriously, she could be a nailpolish finger model!

WHAT was the damage? My face, my dignity, and I had to sacrifice my $5 lunch money for the antibiotic band-aids; thus forgoing the non-antibiotic Hello Kitty and Dora brands.

WHERE did it occur? At the Ross in the 'only 8 is allowed at a time' dressing room; I had problems with this law being I tried on 35 dresses! The stitchless scar will forever be noted on my chin.

WHEN did it happen slash stop bleeding? On my day off Wednesday morning, where upon I then became immensely soaked in my white shorts from the rain. The Juicy boy shorts became an apparent chartreuse not green but no matter for my $2 teal Wal-mart beach bag bled all over my shorts! After which a beamer proceeded to slam into the back of my rental car at a stop light. Soon followed by a 3 hour "I don't know what do you want to do" non-date. 36 minutes into this catastrophy my chin stopped bleeding.

WHY did it happen? My theory goes back to year ago when Dezi had this "great" idea to make her current nomad conquest fall in love with me. Which was then proceeded by my "great" idea to break his heart and move back to Connecticut which caused his nasty declaration at the end of an email/friendship/point 2 fake relationship stating….KARMA IS REAL BEWARE! Apparently it is, all because I saw a fat nomad look a like yesterday walking down the street and laughed!

HOW did it happen? Well for one trying on dresses is dangerous, and alone can be deadly. Once I was stuck in a Kohl's dressing room for 45 minutes stuck in a dress, my brother would not come in and help me, and no I do not shop at Kohl's. Sidenote...because I can never find anything in there, it's a mess! I don't know how my East Coast bestie Kelsey manages to show me up every single time with her killer Kohl's finds. Although, Fergie does advertise some cute dresses for them. Anyways, I was searching for a cocktail dress for a mini Miami day cruise, which of course entelled sequins, glitter, halters, feathers, strapless, a myriad assortment of dresses. I have a disproportionate body type, I'm smaller on the bottom and bigger, much bigger on the top. Most girls I would say try on dresses starting from the top and pull down trying to get over their hips and butt. I start from the bottom and pull up trying to get over my boobs! As I was making this maneuver into an too small for my boobs bust line, my hand slipped as I yanked upward and left a trail of blood and skin from my chin to my lip.

RSVP your comments too but are not limited to the following:
*intense staring....followed by what happened?
*look of shock...followed by what happened?
*you got in a fight last night huh?...with a biker chick?
*did you get a piercing?
*did you cut yourself shaving?
*do you have a crush on somebody? (completely absurd but I loved it, especially because it came from some random guy who growled at my solar color changing T-rex shirt!)
*can i kiss it better?
*waxed?
*did you get burned?
*did you wear that to match your eye shadow?

RESPONSES:
*I cut myself
*I clawed myself
*I got in a fight
*I got bit
*I have big boobs
*Nothing
*What are you talking about?
*I don't know what you mean?
*Huh?
*Insane laughter
*I found silence and walking off was the best strategy.


WARNING: If I recieve one more...."does your band-aid turn colors too?" joke then the nails will claw you at its own discretion!
*an anomimous color changing store bribes me to endure looking glamorous slash chipper at the counter all day long for people to laugh at my purple band-aid

BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!

Where in the world is Bre Sandiego?

My 5th grade extra credit is often reputed as Miss Worthen and Carmen Sandiego.

Miss Lynn should give me double extra credit for finalizing this blog at 2 in the morning instead of roughing it with the redneck bikers downtown.

I have given up the luxurious high end East Coast life (which according to the professional post I'm posing against is 1203 miles away) to live in the prodigious liberal Key West, the southern most point of the universe, in all aspects. I will cope/reside here for the proposed duration of 4 months. Anticipation was high but is dissipating slowly with each bedazzled man capri I behold.

I've deduced that my life could seriously be a reality show....and people would ti-vo it! Either that or be made into a book on tape complete with bona fide sound effects. For now I will have to relent to the blog before I sign a half a million dollar 25 episode deal like Lauren Conrad. Luckily, the drama follows me to the far ends of the Earth because quite frankly I ain't making this shi* up! So be ready cause you asked for it!