THAT'S FUNNY....WRITE THAT DOWN!

Incidentally, Jamey and I depleted $15 a piece for the viewing pleasure of banana hammocks, g-strings, and thongs on future skin cancer patients all night long. Each barely there ensemble ranged from shiny, glittery, velvety, and bedazzly to MORE shiny, glittery, velvety, and bedazzly.

RAWR the top five! Haha! Just in case you were wondering purple won.

And just in case you were also wondering black is Elle's ex-old-new bf. Hopefully they won't be busting out body builder babies anytime soon!

RAWR Ms. Olympia Runner Up! Haha!

Just in case you were wondering this IS a woman!

RAWR Elle! Just in case you were wondering she didn't win.

But she did win the best bootay award unanimously from the guys in front of us! Unfortunately, this was the only on stage pic I snapped because she walks too fast in those hooker heels.

But fortunately...

for Facebook to furnish my photo stealing (and stalking) abilities.

Elle looked AMAZING!! (minus her old lady fake spray tan of course)

James and I were evidently outta place in the mix of Affliction shirts and horrendously bedazzled jeans and belts! I presume most of them watch Good Things Utah for style tips.

Nonetheless, I absolutely LOVE Elle and fully support her in all her capricious endeavors! When she has a goal (or a guy for that matter) she zones in 100%! This rock star knocked off 30 pds, ate NO carbs, grinded 3-5 hrs daily at the gym (dezi get your mind out of the gutter!), walked 2 hours a day on an incline!! Between Dezi's wedding (late July) , my birthday (late August) , and the competition (October) her transformation was astounding! GOOD JOB ELLE! Go eat something!

My $15 favorites of the 4 hour night were the choreographed music/muscle poses, the blue velvet banana hammock, and most notably the THRILLER number performed by the only guy in competition WITHOUT muscles! I. DIE. So OOC! (out of control)

I have ALWAYS wanted to drive cross country and do a baseball tour across the USA! Well I finally got the chance, I flew out to Richmond {Rich what? haha}, VA and met up with the bro Kurt. He's been working in VA this summer as a counselor for troubled teens at this "hard core live in the woods like Bear Grylls camp". He drove out in May and I pleaded to go with him hoping we could hit up ATL Chipper country but to no avail. He was certain he could handle the drive solo. 4 months later he called me for back up on the journey home, haha I'm always right. So I hooked us up with the best baseball itinerary ever....a MLB game every night!!!

MONDAY: Virginia to Maryland - 2 1/2 hrs - ORIOLES

TUESDAY: Maryland to Ohio - 8 hrs - REDS

WEDNESDAY: Ohio to Missouri - 5 hrs - CARDINALS

THURSDAY: Missouri to Colorado - 12 hrs - ROCKIES

FRIDAY: Colorado to Utah - 6 hrs - ADISONS

And so our adventure began up the 95. We passed a sign to NEW YORK CITY 202 miles. As my eyes popped out of my head I tried to convince the bro we should head north. I was only 2 1/2 hours from pure bliss.

Instead we ended up in Baltimore, Maryland.

Taking a harbor stroll to Camden Yards in a fabulous H&M sweater I made him buy. I also made him skip being my Washington DC tour guide in order for me to be his Bloomingdales tour guide. Tyson's Corner is where to shop in Washington peoples! Let's not forget I haven't seen a real shopping scene since February in Phoenix. So I was definitely forgoing the history lesson for make up lessons at Sephora. Don't worry Erin, I will return and you can show me DC the right way.

ORIOLES VS. YANKEES

A babe with the power!

Good ole' Cal.

The famous building shot many a sluggers have blasted HR's off of. Notice the time, all the games we purposely made it in time for BP (batting practice). Which starts 2 hrs before a 3-4 hr game, that's how hard core we were!

First baseline watching the Yawkee's warm up. Kurt was convinced Jeter was coming over our way to stretch, based on his previous Yankee pregame conditioning observations. Jeter never showed.

This is what BP looks like (from the outfield), no one is there. Even though I thoroughly detest and despisingly hate the Yankees, up close they are ALL pretty HOTT!

ESPECIALLY this guy, my lover Andy Pettitte!! A lefty, and if ya'll know baseball that is invaluably fabulous for a pitcher. And this is where my crazy begins.

How lucky is it that he happens to be pitching the night I'm there right?! Its gotta be my lucky Pucci scarf, for sure!

I have never seen his stubble this close before! Yes, I stalk him.

Dear Andy. I love you, even though you are a damn Yankee. Marry me. I may even wear a Yankee hat for you. Love Bre.

I ran, skipped, jumped, pushed, shoved little kids out of my way to get all of these shots. This is not on zoom kids!! I'm that far away from him screaming I LOVE YOU!

I totally lost it right here and got shaky, thus the blurry! My jaw dropped and so did my camera as I took in the full moment of his complete hotness and wave.

Thanks my lucky pretty Pucci scarf for my pretty Pettitte pitching.

P.S. Shame on Baltimore, the ratio of Yankee fans to Oriole fans was 10 to 1! It was like I was in the Bronx, I thought this was Bird Town!?!

Stunning view on our 15 block walk back to the car.

Downtown Baltimore was surprisingly clean and safe, not to mention the expensive parking forever away from the stadium. The hotel that night was another matter. It was a freakishly tripped out night from random late night knockings on our door and mysterious room calls! I was certain someone stalked us back to the hotel wanting to rape me. Or it was another case of the Pyscho movie. Too scared to go to the bathroom after the first disturbance, I concluded I could save myself by peeing on my assailant. But all I ended up waking up to were bed bug bites!

I took pictures of all the state signs we passed. This one was by far my favorite...WILD and WONDERFUL, cause I am!!

REDS VS. PIRATES

GI Joe and I at the Great American Ball Park in Cincinnati.

This was my favorite park on the trip minus the dumb build a bear store inside. It was clean, had an awesome steamboat restaurant, and most of all EVERYWHERE you sat was fabulous. I almost pulled a 'Fever Pitch' scene in here. A mean foul ball came snarling towards my head, luckily it landed half a seat away from me, thus avoiding a baseball imprinted forehead.

Outlooking the bridges of Cincinnati from the stadium.

Not only did I school my bro about Cincinnati facts, such as Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson are huge Bearcat fans, I also introduced him to White Castle. Holla for mini burgers! Many a 3 am nights were spent with stockbroker boy and his bros at White Castle in Queens! GI Joe was totally clueless or hungry as he ordered 6 burgers!

On the third day with only 5 hours to drive to our destination, we detoured to The Louisville Slugger Museum and Factory in Kentucky.

BIG STIX = CHIX

Haha, my whole family laughed at my baseball bat pose. I can't help it, my arms just automatically come up for pictures. I may seem girly but I know my stuff! and stats!

Catch me if you can!

I wish I could have taken a picture of the expression on Kurt's face when I MADE him take this picture of me. It read "why did you just lay down on this when I already took one of you sitting on it you are so immature to be my older sister". Promptly after we took some slices in the batting cages, where we were able to use the exact weight and measurement of many of the major leaguers bats. Ken Griffey Jr., Derek Jeter, A-Rod, Babe Ruth were a few of the bats we tried. We were like kids in a candy store. It was then my bro MADE ME take a million and five pictures of him in the batting cage via the chain link fence and netting. I then talked him into buying a customized bat complete with his signature. Not scheduled to arrive until October, I pulled a few strings/charms with the bat boy to ensure arrival on Kurt's birthday....it was a birthday miracle!

Loved this trash can!

Loved this bridge, somewhere in Kentucky.

CARDINALS VS. BREWERS

In heaven with the REAL boys of summer.

Busch Stadium was HUGE, there were like 4 upper decks! Complete with its own Hardee's.

The arch in the background was our favorite.

After the game we decided to be even more hard core and drive the 12 hours straight to Denver! The Rockies game turned out to be a day game instead of a night game. So we gunned it and pulled 3 hour shifts of sleeping/driving. I could write a whole other post of how I kept myself and brain awake during the never ending truck/porn stops in Kansas. Nonetheless we made it, for BP and all!!

ROCKIES VS. METS

Loved Gonzalez's wicked mo-hawk! And LOVED my bro's successful side swipe on an old lady to capture a foul ball.

So mad and so sad Francoeur got traded from the Braves to the Mets! I hate the Mets too, NY teams and I do not get along! They are like the Braves' biggest rivals! Nonetheless I still cheered and loved him via right field. Not to mention the love in right field, how about the secret message I left for Jamey in the right field bathrooms! I totally sharpied stall #1, and she found the inscriptions 2 days later on her baseball road trip!

Apparently everyone ditched out on work and took a long lunch break to come to the game. It was packed and super hot! We snuck down to baseline seats but vacated within 2 innings from the sultryness. Excuse my outfit, apparently it's from the 90's. With no tanks and everything else requiring layers and scarves, this was the best "keep cool" outfit I could muster. I would rather look 90's than go plain white shirt {ewe}! And I was 5 seconds away from taking off said shirt but then I didn't want another stalker following us back to the hotel to rape me.

Denver was pretty cool, definitely not what I expected. The gansta rap stations were the best I heard all roadtrip, thanks inpart to Carmello Anthony and the Thuggetts I'm sure. After the game I slept too long and woke up to find I only had one shopping hour left. Google maps screwed me over and I ended up lost having 15 minutes in a consignment shop. Luckily, I discovered a REAL authentic Burberry tie, tres chic with the flying horse and all! For FOUR dollars! Thanks Carmello. As if 4 days of baseball and Sportscenter weren't enough for me I redboxed 'SUGAR' for the night. LOVED it! If you know what's good for you and like baseball, you will definitely like this movie (except I hated the end).

My brother is awesome! Best birthday present ever, he bought all my tickets to the games! It was such a masculine road trip, only stopping for burgers and bathrooms, and only watching Sports Center and Baseball Tonight in our hotels, and only listening to his boy music- except when I drove I initiated him into gangsta rap. Peace out homeboy, glad you're home.